What's the Story with the Extra Long Sheets?
I have been receiving emails from you about "what the heck are extra long sheets?" Some have even gone as far as accusing me of making up this weird, inhuman sheet size, which of course wounds my feelings horribly. ;D
I will now tell you a story to try and explain the phenomenon that is an extra long, extra narrow mattress, which may shed some light on the matter. Just because it's a complete fiction from my own fertile imagination shouldn't detract from your enjoyment.
HOW EXTRA LONG SHEETS CAME TO BE
by Keisuke Hoashi
(play guitar intro here)
Once upon a time, there was a beanpole who wanted to grow up to become the world's most successful mattress maker. Envious of the glory achieved by Mr. Sealy, Mr. Serta, Mr. Dux, and the master of them all, Mr. and Mrs. Craftmaticbed, the beanpole vowed to beat them all at their own game.
Alas, the beanpole could never understand the mystery of the twin, full, queen, or king mattress sizes. And forget the California King! Utterly perplexed as to why anyone would possibly need so much surface area on which to sleep, the beanpole instead focussed on making a mattress that would be comfortable for all the peoples of the world who were made of sticks of bamboo, or rebar, or PVC piping.
The beanpole came up with a unique mattress that is a little longer and a little narrower than a standard Twin, and filled it with sharp sticks, pointed rocks, ancient springs, and mustard. And he proudly dubbed it the Beanpole Extra Long Mattress.
At first the world laughed at the Beanpole Mattress. "Who," they jeered, "will buy your mattress when they already have thousands of dollars' worth of twin sheet sets?"
The Beanpole was sad and went to Madison Avenue in NYC to try and burn itself to death. But as it was desperately flicking its Bic lighter, an Evil Ad Exec rushed up and said, "Don't give up, Mr. Beanpole. I can save your brilliant invention."
"How?" grumbled the Beanpole, who, not having any thumbs, fingers, or any limbs to speak of, was losing patience with itself.
"It's alllll marketing," said the Evil Ad Exec. "And I understand. I was just a simple Tomato Stake, until I came to Madison Avenue and got a job with Burson-Marstellar Advertising. Come."
And so they concocted a plan to market the Beanpole Mattress as the World's Best Dormitory Mattress. Targeting every college in America, they pitched the idea that supplying freshman with a twin mattress would be disastrous - can you imagine what a freshman would do, if they ever heard the words "twin" and "bed" together???
Quietly, they contacted the Fitted Sheet Industry for their support. They convinced them to create a brand new sheet size, and thus expand their market by up to 25%, after years of only being able to sell twin, full, queen, and king size sheet sets. Now there were FIVE mattress sizes, and those mattresses would be needing sheets, muuu hahahahahaha.
It was a rousing success! Every college in America bought 10,000 Beanpole Mattresses, and in a wild orgy of imagination, changed the name to "extra long".
And so the Beanpole married the former Tomato Stake, and the two retired to an organic farm in Seattle where they support zucchini and roses.
And THAT is why you need to bring a set of "extra long" sheets with you to NYSMF.
Aesop and Kipling would have been proud.
--Keisuke Hoashi
NYSMF Director of Miscommunications
I will now tell you a story to try and explain the phenomenon that is an extra long, extra narrow mattress, which may shed some light on the matter. Just because it's a complete fiction from my own fertile imagination shouldn't detract from your enjoyment.
HOW EXTRA LONG SHEETS CAME TO BE
by Keisuke Hoashi
(play guitar intro here)
Once upon a time, there was a beanpole who wanted to grow up to become the world's most successful mattress maker. Envious of the glory achieved by Mr. Sealy, Mr. Serta, Mr. Dux, and the master of them all, Mr. and Mrs. Craftmaticbed, the beanpole vowed to beat them all at their own game.
Alas, the beanpole could never understand the mystery of the twin, full, queen, or king mattress sizes. And forget the California King! Utterly perplexed as to why anyone would possibly need so much surface area on which to sleep, the beanpole instead focussed on making a mattress that would be comfortable for all the peoples of the world who were made of sticks of bamboo, or rebar, or PVC piping.
The beanpole came up with a unique mattress that is a little longer and a little narrower than a standard Twin, and filled it with sharp sticks, pointed rocks, ancient springs, and mustard. And he proudly dubbed it the Beanpole Extra Long Mattress.
At first the world laughed at the Beanpole Mattress. "Who," they jeered, "will buy your mattress when they already have thousands of dollars' worth of twin sheet sets?"
The Beanpole was sad and went to Madison Avenue in NYC to try and burn itself to death. But as it was desperately flicking its Bic lighter, an Evil Ad Exec rushed up and said, "Don't give up, Mr. Beanpole. I can save your brilliant invention."
"How?" grumbled the Beanpole, who, not having any thumbs, fingers, or any limbs to speak of, was losing patience with itself.
"It's alllll marketing," said the Evil Ad Exec. "And I understand. I was just a simple Tomato Stake, until I came to Madison Avenue and got a job with Burson-Marstellar Advertising. Come."
And so they concocted a plan to market the Beanpole Mattress as the World's Best Dormitory Mattress. Targeting every college in America, they pitched the idea that supplying freshman with a twin mattress would be disastrous - can you imagine what a freshman would do, if they ever heard the words "twin" and "bed" together???
Quietly, they contacted the Fitted Sheet Industry for their support. They convinced them to create a brand new sheet size, and thus expand their market by up to 25%, after years of only being able to sell twin, full, queen, and king size sheet sets. Now there were FIVE mattress sizes, and those mattresses would be needing sheets, muuu hahahahahaha.
It was a rousing success! Every college in America bought 10,000 Beanpole Mattresses, and in a wild orgy of imagination, changed the name to "extra long".
And so the Beanpole married the former Tomato Stake, and the two retired to an organic farm in Seattle where they support zucchini and roses.
And THAT is why you need to bring a set of "extra long" sheets with you to NYSMF.
Aesop and Kipling would have been proud.
--Keisuke Hoashi
NYSMF Director of Miscommunications
Labels: extra long sheet, fable, mattress
posted by NYSMF at
8:01 AM
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